Chapter 255

[JO INCHAN’S POV]

“So, there’s nothing for you to worry about.”

After our hyung said that, he was silent for a long time, lost in thought.

He had a faint smile on his lips, but his deeply sunken eyes aimlessly wandered the floor.

“I didn’t tell them who I was. But now they might have figured out my identity. Ah, surely they don’t think I’m Seo Yuseong, right? No way. I’m not even close to being able to keep up with his singing ……. It’s like I’ve just gone around telling everyone it’s me.”

“…Hyung.”

“Honestly, when I first went on that program, I never thought I’d get this attached to the members. I just thought it would be like any other audition program, where I’d build some recognition and move to an agency that suits me. But when I came to my senses, this is how it turned out. That’s just how I am, I guess.”

Others wouldn’t have noticed, but wasn’t it us who spent over 10 years together with ‘ Seo Yutae ’? Seeing the lingering bitterness in his eyes, I regretted the fleeting selfishness I had, wishing the Pantheion members would reject our hyung, wishing they would say they didn’t need anyone other than ‘ Han Seungbeom ‘.

“Nicholas …… there’s a member who wasn’t there earlier, right? That’s Jack. You guys played with him a few times, remember? He often came to our concerts and greeted you. Lee Hwayoung knows my identity, so you can talk comfortably with him.”

I wasn’t sure if he was hurt by the Pantheion members’ rejection itself, or if being rejected by them in front of us made it hit him harder, or if he wanted to offer his own explanation to us, who had a subtle hostility toward the Pantheion members.

I didn’t even have the thought of wanting to know that.

We were just worried about him.

As I tightened my grip on his wrist, he seemed to realize what he had done and quickly regained his composure.

“…Shall we move somewhere else? If we keep standing here, other people might come in like earlier, and that’d be awkward.”

Our hyung, who said that, gestured as if to tell us to wait for a moment, then opened the room door and peeked his head inside, rattling off a string of words. The content was things like, “ I’ll be back soon “, “ Don’t cause trouble, just get some sleep “, “ Don’t do anything unnecessary “, and “ Don’t talk to the Pantheion kids. Don’t even look at them “. It was mostly nagging, like giving warnings to a five-year-old, but at the end, there was a chilling warning, “ If you drink while I’m out, you’re dead “, which made it seem like the other person wasn’t a child after all.

Just as I was starting to wonder, a gentle voice from inside the room asked who he was going with. As soon as I heard that voice, my body flinched, and I immediately guessed his identity.

‘Lee Saehwa…….’

He was the person who had been with our hyung even before Prism was formed.

‘Being able to stay in such a luxurious room must have been because of that person.’

I had heard from Jay that Lee Saehwa went to our hyung first, but now, seeing that he was actually here, it really felt like the boy in front of me was my hyung, and my heart started pounding.

‘…If it’s not Hyung, who else could possibly talk to Lee Saehwa like that?’

“Alright, let’s go.”

While I was lost in thought, our hyung must have finished giving all his cautions, as he casually gestured for us to follow him. Seeing that even his habitual gesture, identical to the one from my memories of our hyung, I pressed my lips together in silence.

***

After walking a bit outside the hotel, the beach appeared.

Since there weren’t many people seeking the sea at this time in such cold weather, the place was eerily quiet, except for the rhythmic sound of the waves.

Our hyung, seemingly unaffected by the harsh winter sea breeze, walked along the water’s edge, stepping on the sand with his characteristic, unhesitating stride. As we quietly followed behind, he suddenly stopped in a spot where no footprints were left. It was so far that the distant voices couldn’t be heard at all.

Our hyung was quietly gazing at the place that had swallowed Seo Yuseong.

His eyes, light and warm, unlike Yutae-hyung’s, were rippling with the movement of the waves. As I stared blankly at him, I suddenly realized something.

I couldn’t quite remember since when I’d stopped looking at the sea and sky I used to love so much. When I slowly lifted the gaze I had kept fixed on my feet, following our hyung all along, my field of vision widened, revealing a cloudless blue sky and an endless sea.

“…….”

The sight of small waves, shimmering as they caught the sunlight before scattering into tiny pieces, was so beautiful it took my breath away and gave me goosebumps. That horrible scene from the accident, where the water was dark and churning, as if it would swallow everything, seemed like a mere illusion now, so innocent in comparison.

What could Hyung be thinking while looking at that? As that question crossed my mind, I grabbed my suddenly chilled arm with my hand. Just then, our hyung opened his mouth, still staring at the sea.

“Can you believe it? I’m Seo Yutae.”

I didn’t answer that question right away.

It was because I didn’t have confidence in myself.

Reason told me that such an absurd thing couldn’t possibly happen, denying even the faintest hope, insisting that I was being deceived again. But my instincts, everything but practicality, told me that the person in front of me was ‘ Seo Yutae ‘.

“I’m…….”

Perhaps it was because I’ve always been easily influenced by other people’s words.

From the moment the members, who were smarter and more perceptive than me, all acknowledged him as Seo Yutae, my heart was already screaming to call him hyung and release all the regrets that had been bottled up for so long. The number of things I wanted to tell him had built up so much, it was beyond what I could even begin to explain

In the first place, why else would I have gone there, even though I realized I might have been deceived by Kang Hyukwoo and Lim Seunghoon? It was because I was so desperate to say even a single word to my hyung.

But to have that very person standing right in front of me now, I felt like I was living a dream.

“Whether you believe it or not is up to you. Just like with Pantheion, I’ll always follow your choice. I know you’re going through a hard time, so I don’t want to make you more confused with my own selfishness.”

“…What if I can’t believe it?”

It was a question that implied, ‘ Are you going to make the same expression as before? ‘

“Nothing’s going to happen. You’ll keep living the same life you always have. I will never interfere with that.”

But what I got back was an answer so absurdly focused on me that I couldn’t help but laugh.

‘You don’t want to make me confused ……. Is that really the only reason?’

Seo Yutae was someone who would be deeply hurt and shaken by the rejection and attacks from those he held dear. It seemed like he wasn’t even aware of it, but if similar things to what had happened at the hotel had kept happening, cracks would have slowly begun to form.

‘Because he knows that … Kang Hyukwoo targeted me.’

I was the one who knew it better than anyone else.

“Hyung, why on earth did you put me in this group? Was it to torment me?”

“If it weren’t for you, hyung, I wouldn’t have debuted as a member of Prism.”

Above all, hadn’t I witnessed the face of someone once so strong horribly fall apart right in front of me?

‘And yet, you’re telling me to do that again.’

Seo Yutae had far too solid and unwavering an ego to easily abandon his own identity. How could someone so special, who had reached the top in his field and left the greatest mark, live his entire life wearing someone else’s shell?

Everyone knew how extraordinary he was.

He had accomplished so much, and there were so many people who admired and loved him.

Even I, standing right beside him, was almost intoxicated by the admiring gazes directed his way.

Haven’t I said it countless times? I wanted to be in Prism because of Seo Yutae, and I also wanted to run away from Prism because of Seo Yutae.

“…I don’t want to.”

Could I really abandon it with my own hands?

“I still have so much I want to say. That’s not what I really wanted to say. I haven’t properly apologized to you yet, hyung ……. I wanted to thank you for putting me in this group, but if I deny you now, hyung, I won’t be able to do that.”

Doubting something comes from the calmness of not caring whether you lose it.

“Hyung, what if what you’re saying isn’t a lie? Am I just going to hurt you again? And then live happily without any guilt?”

For those already pushed to the edge of a cliff, doubt was a luxury. Even if it was something nonsensical, even if I was foolishly being deceived again, to survive, I had to pretend not to know and just hold on.

“I’ve really lived a messed-up life until now. There’s nowhere further for me to fall. I’d rather be deceived by a lie. I just want some comfort, even if it’s not real. There’s no daily life left that I need to protect by denying you. hyung. So, don’t say things like that…….”

When I just recklessly poured out my feelings, our hyung ran his palm over his face, sighed deeply, and muttered quietly, “Why are all of you like this?”. He then wiped my cheek with the back of his hand, glanced down at my legs, and asked.

“How are your knees now?”

“…It’s much better. I’ve been getting treatment too…….”

“You’re still terrible at lying. Isn’t that why you didn’t want to meet the Prism members?”

He hit the nail on the head.

When they saw me unable to hide my flustered expression, Cha Woon-hyung, who was standing next to me, clicked his tongue, and Nam Yihwon started glaring at me like he wanted to kill me. At that, our hyung let out a chuckle and said, “Stop it, you’ll scare him”, then pulled me behind him.

And then he quietly called me.

“Hey, Inchan-ah.”

When I finally lifted my gaze, which I had kept lowered to avoid the members, our hyung whispered from such a close distance that I could hear even his smallest voice.

“Let’s just be honest with each other, just once. Whether it’s for each other or for anything else, let’s answer honestly just this once, no lies.”

And, without waiting for my answer, he asked as if the words were just flowing out.

“That wound on your neck, did they do that?”

In stark contrast to when he was looking at me, his eyes were stone-cold as they stared intently at my neck. For a moment, I felt intimidated by the intensity of his gaze, and then I nodded, as if compelled to.

At that, our hyung closed his eyes for a long moment before opening them again and spoke without revealing any emotion.

“…Okay. Thanks for answering honestly. From now on, leave it to me.”

The way he patted my neck and the voice that took away all my anxiety were just the same as I remembered. As if under a spell, I felt a wave of relief and stared at him for a long moment before finally managing to speak.

“Hyung, why … did you leave us?”

I was the one who made our hyung leave the group. So, my question wasn’t about why he left the group. What I was really asking was, “ Why did you leave us behind and die? “. He blinked slowly, without any sign of surprise, as if he’d anticipated the question. Then, he put some distance between us before quietly uttering his answer.

“Because I couldn’t forgive myself for failing to protect Seo Yuseong.”

That answer was no different from what we had always expected, so we barely managed to exhale a heavy breath. However, as if our hyung didn’t want that reaction, he turned his head away from us, seemingly gazing at the sea again, and continued in a deliberately lighter tone.

“I still want to see him.”

“…….”

“I really … really want to see him.”

At that moment, a strong wind blew toward the sea, causing his hair to flutter and briefly obscure his face. Whether he knew how we felt as we watched him or not, he looked at each of us in turn before smiling—a rare smile, one that was exactly the same as the one we had seen only a handful of times before.

“As expected, seeing all of you again like this feels nice. I guess this is one of those emotions you can only feel if you’re alive.”

“…….”

“Seo Yuseong must have sent you guys to give me a moment to catch my breath.”

[END OF JO INCHAN’S POV]

You can support this translation through Buy Me a Coffee or Wishlist!

Translator’s Corner:

every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness …. cause it’s all over now, all out to sea … goodbye, goodbye, goodbye …. you were bigger than the whole sky….. you were more than just a short time ….. and I’ve got a lot to pine about …. I’ve got a lot to live without … I’m never gonna meet what could’ve been, would’ve been … what should’ve been you…..

ugh this chapter hurt my heart for absolutely no reason

Tbh, the nearing last sentence 보고 싶어 (bogo sipeo) and 보고 싶다 (bogo sipda) is (are?) commonly used to express “ I miss you “. But if you translated the word literally, it means “I want to see you”. The physical you. It can only be used for a person (or okay, maybe pet). I was thinking for a whole hour between writing it as “I still miss him.” vs “I still want to see him.” …. and in the end, I chose to use the literal way.

It might be inaccurate actually, since it’s universally translated as “I miss you” everywhere. And I miss you as a phrase holds more emotional weight. But idk. When I thought about it, “I still want too see him” sounds more … raw. Like, he went into the sea everytime because he wanted to see Yuseong again …. because he lost Yuseong in the sea …. like, of course he missed Yuseong. He will be missing Yuseong his whole life, the members of Prism must have felt the same … they all emotionally feeling the loss …. but the reason for his death … isn’t it because he want to, physically, see Yuseong again? Just like how before he told Jay he wanted to meet Yuseong, even if just by seeing him from a distance. Missing someone is such a complex emotion, meanwhile wanting to see someone is just … you want to see them. So plain, so simply. Like it’s not a big deal. That’s why I chose to translate in the unpopular way …. don’t you just love language …..

Anyway, sadly, it seems that I’m sick … again …. ugh I really felt like I was going to die last night. I suddenly felt unwell and I was shivering so hard my teeth chattered ….. it’s out of nowhere too since the weather wasn’t even that cold, I just suddenly lost all my energy and shivered and had a fever unprovoked ????????? Even while writing this, I still don’t have any idea of what’s the cause ……….

If you find any errors (non-standard content, ads redirect, broken links, etc..), Please let us know so we can fix it as soon as possible.