Chapter 344

[Please let me meet Chaeyul just once.]

[I swear this will be the last time. If you grant me this one thing, I’ll do whatever you ask.]

After that message arrived, Kang Hyukwoo said he wanted to meet me and his son privately, without Choi Jeokhyeon’s knowledge. He specifically asked me not to tell Choi Jeokhyeon about it—perhaps because he thought Choi Jeokhyeon would object to me meeting him alone, or maybe because he was planning something Choi Jeokhyeon wouldn’t look favorably upon.

‘…Honestly, if I told Choi Jeokhyeon I was going to meet Kang Hyukwoo alone, he’d be completely against it.’

Come to think of it, that guy really did tend to worry about all sorts of things. With that thought, I lowered my phone as if trying to hide it. Since Choi Jeokhyeon was still at work, there was no real reason to worry he’d see the message, but it still felt like I should keep it out of sight. Maybe it was because I was surrounded by all of Choi Jeokhyeon’s belongings in this space?

I couldn’t help but wonder how the message had managed to come at such uncanny timing.

If Kim Chaeyul hadn’t said he wanted to see his father first, I would have ignored this message without a second thought. But the way everything lined up so perfectly made it feel like I’d been dragged onto the judgment seat of fate.

“…Hyung?”

When I kept my eyes lowered and said nothing, the child grew uneasy and tugged at my sleeve, calling out to me. At that, I slowly opened my closed eyes and spoke quietly.

“…Really?”

“But in return, you should think carefully about whether or not you’ll regret it later. That way, even if you do, the regret will be less. Things might not go the way you’re hoping once you actually see him. Your father might act just like he did last time, and when you’re face to face, he might turn out to be a lot scarier than you imagined.”

“…….”

“Let’s think carefully about whether you’ll really be okay if that happens.”

When I asked one last question to make sure, the child fidgeted restlessly, as if confused himself, then looked up at me, seemingly trying to read my expression.

When I noticed the anxious look in his eyes, like he was afraid I might hate him, I softened my expression as much as I could to reassure the child. Then, looking down toward his chest, I softly whispered, “It’s completely natural for you to feel confused right now.”

“Confused?”

“Yeah. You’re scared of your dad, but you also miss him, right? That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, or that there’s anything strange about how you feel.”

“…….”

“You just need to be honest with what your heart is telling you.”

The child opened his mouth slightly, as if about to speak, then suddenly stopped.

Then, with a determined look on his face, he slowly nodded and said, “…I feel like I’ll be sad if I don’t see him like this.”

As soon as I heard that answer, the breath I’d been holding escaped me, and an uncomfortable feeling that was hard to describe quietly seeped into a corner of my heart.

To be honest, though it was something I could never say to the child, his answer wasn’t the one I had hoped for. The Kang Hyukwoo that lived inside my world had always been the worst kind of person, so I couldn’t help but imagine the worst-case scenario every time.

He already raised his hand once. What guarantee is there that it won’t happen a second or third time?

The first time is always the hardest . That’s how it is with anything. My father wasn’t that violent from the very beginning either. He just got worse and worse over time. He only acted that way because he had learned that no matter how many times he did wrong, the relationship wouldn’t fall apart, and the other person wouldn’t abandon him.

Violence is truly such a frighteningly convenient and alluring tool that once you lay a hand on it, there’s no turning back.

“Do you really think Father became like that because of the shock of losing Mom? That he was originally a good person, but changed after going through something difficult?”

“If that’s what you want to believe, then I’ll go along with it and pretend I don’t know. I’m not trying to make things harder for you, hyung. But pretending doesn’t change the truth.”

Seo Yuseong used to say things like that to me about our father, but I chose to believe otherwise. Then again, maybe I did it because I felt I couldn’t endure it unless I justified it somehow, even if only to myself.

That’s why, even at this very moment, I couldn’t shake the thought that there was no guarantee Kang Hyukwoo wouldn’t do the same thing again.

“He said he doesn’t like it because of the scar.”

And even more so because I had found out what kind of state Jo Inchan was in now.

In truth, weren’t Choi Jeokhyeon and the gangsters just as responsible for pushing Kang Hyukwoo into those stressful situations?

But Kang Hyukwoo never used violence against them. The only difference between them and Kim Chaeyul or Jo Inchan was that the latter had no power to protect themselves. He failed to hold back not because he couldn’t help it. He simply didn’t, because he knew they were powerless to retaliate. But does ‘ being unable to hold back ‘ really count as an excuse, when he knew full well he should never use violence against a child?

No . I couldn’t say that, not even as an empty reassurance.

It was only because I wasn’t the one directly involved in the situation that I could speak with such certainty, from a so-called objective point of view.

It was clear to me that Kang Hyukwoo was not a safe person to be around the child. That’s why I wanted to immediately separate the child from Kang Hyukwoo and keep him safe.

‘I wish he wouldn’t meet him.’

It would’ve been easy to force that choice on him, claiming it was for his own good.

After all, I wouldn’t be the one to bear the consequences of that choice, so I could just ignore everything else and present what seemed like the most rational option. And whatever tragedy followed, I could just look away, tell myself it had nothing to do with me. How hard could that be?

But is it really okay for me to impose my will in a matter this serious, one that could affect the entire course of this child’s life?

I knew that Kang Hyukwoo was completely backed into a corner right now, so I couldn’t allow myself to make a rash decision.

“Maybe Dad won’t do that anymore. It was just a mistake…….”

I knew that a person’s heart didn’t always flow in the direction of what was right or most reasonable. I knew that some things were just hard to let go of, even when you knew they were wrong, even when you knew you’d regret them in the end.

My father wasn’t a good person, and he didn’t love me.

It took me a very long time, and the kind of experience that split my heart in two, to finally admit that and give up on loving him. Perhaps what I really needed was the conclusion that I had done everything I could .

‘It wasn’t until I saw him coveting Seo Yuseong’s inheritance that I realized I’d reached my limit.’

“Father … at this point, wouldn’t it be better to just die?”

Pathetically enough, that same scene still appeared in my dreams from time to time.

I knew perfectly well that I hadn’t done anything wrong. It was a thought that had been drilled into me, almost to the point of brainwashing, by both the people around me and myself.

Even after everything, the curse I hurled at him in the end still weighs on me like a lifelong burden, keeping me up on countless sleepless nights. The fact that my words became a curse that truly kept my father from ever coming back still makes my heart sink to this day, so how unbearably heavy must all this be for this child?

Even for a fully grown adult, this was a difficult issue. For someone so young, letting go of a father who had showered him with love until now would be anything but easy. So, although I was certain this wasn’t the right answer, I had no intention of trying to change his mind.

‘How often will Chaeyul be able to see Kang Hyukwoo from now on? If that last memory ends up being the final time they meet … he might be haunted by guilt for the rest of his life.’

Sometimes, there were things we could only understand through the existence of a wrong answer, so I nodded with a faint smile.

“Alright. Shall we go see your dad then?”

At that, the child’s face lit up with joy, and he carefully walked over to me and threw his arms around my neck.

“Thank you, hyung…….”

I quietly embraced the small warmth nestled in my arms and gently closed my eyes. Then the child let out a soft giggle and began whispering in a low, gentle voice.

“I hope Dad’s not that angry with me.”

“…Yeah.”

What is it he’s so grateful for, and what is it he’s looking forward to so much?

The innocence of the child, unaware of anything, felt like a weight pressing down on my heart.

Maybe that child, despite having been hurt and having rejected the one he loved most, still wanted to forgive him. It wasn’t anywhere near a healthy coping mechanism, but all it would have taken was a single word of apology, and he would have pushed aside his true feelings and taken that person back into his heart all over again. Because he believed the pain of being with that person would still be less than the pain of losing him.

‘I wish Kang Hyukwoo could at least be a good father to Chaeyul. So that there won’t be another person like me…….’

Lost in that thought, I lowered my gaze for a moment, then I suddenly noticed a photo frame placed in a corner of the living room. It was a photo from Seo Yuseong’s high school graduation, with Choi Jeokhyeon, Seo Yuseong, and me together.

We looked laughably silly.

How could I not laugh, when I, who wasn’t even the one graduating, was the one holding an armful of flower bouquets?

Ah, tracing back my memories, it must’ve turned out that way because Choi Jeokhyeon had bought an extra bouquet for me, since I never got to experience a high school graduation, and then Seo Yuseong, as if trying to outdo him, handed over all of his flowers to me too.

‘…We really do look like a family.’

As I stared at the photo blankly, a part of the diary I’d seen on Han Seungbeom’s laptop came to mind.

[January 2nd.

I have a family.]

[Mom, I think I can live well. So, please don’t worry about me anymore.]

Why did you always look at me with such eyes? Just how much love must you have felt to look at me that way, to leave behind words like those, and to give up your own body just to save me?

Was I ever able to be a good family to you?

“…….”

And then, my eyes landed on a photo of Pantheion set as my phone’s wallpaper, and finally, I saw the missed calls from the Prism members.

‘No. It didn’t have to be Kang Hyukwoo who became a good father.’

In that moment, I felt like I could finally understand, at least a little, why those memories had come back to me so suddenly.

I pressed my lips together for a moment, then looked the child straight in the eye and began to speak.

“You don’t absolutely have to forgive the person who hurt you. It’s okay to hate them.”

Then, the child’s eyes opened a little wider as he looked up at me.

I briefly wondered, ‘ Oh no, was that too hard for a child to understand ?’, but even then, the words I wanted to tell him kept rising up inside me like crashing waves. He was the son of the person I hated most in this world, but more than that, he was a child who would have to carry the same kind of wounds I did for the rest of his life……….

“Just because someone is your biological parent doesn’t mean you have to love them.”

I wanted to tell him the words I had most longed to hear.

From who I am now, to who I was then.

“You don’t have to be afraid of being left alone.”

“…….”

“I promise you. Someone who loves you will surely come into your life one day.”

There’s no need to hold on so foolishly, believing the one who hurt you is the only one you’ve got. That’s all I wanted to say. Of course, I still carry the scars even now, but there are people in my life who are precious enough to help me overcome them.

As I spoke again, I recalled the faces of Choi Jeokhyeon, Han Seungbeom, and all the members of Pantheion and Prism, holding them in my heart.

“So, please don’t give up. I hope you’ll learn to cherish yourself.”

From you, I’ve found the courage to go on. 1

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Translator’s Corner:

To be perfectly transparent, this part, in the original, if translated literally is “You give me courage”. I just don’t think it’s poetic enough to represent the mood so I tweaked it that much. Since “from” means the source, so … well, I hope you guys don’t mind. ↩︎

I kept tearing up when doing this chapter … I paused to cry before typing “he didn’t love me”, then I paused for another half an hour when MC thought of Han Seungbeom … like what the hell is this … I already read this so many times WHY AM I STILL CRYING EVERY SINGLE TIME

It makes me really concerned with the author. I’m a (fanfiction) writer myself, so I know this level of writing isn’t something you can just write …. like, it’s easy to write angst or tragedy with the purpose of torturing your MC, but to write something that resonates this deeply …. it’s really something you have to experience yourself. Author-nim, I hope you’re okay…..

And this is exactly why, when I first started this, I told you guys this is a healing novel. Because it truly heals. Even if there’s 100001 bad things happening, rather than a journey to reach a clear, resolute happy ending, this is actually more like a journey to heal …. someone go write a review on NU saying this is a healing novel (100% not scam)

Also life update, I’m really stuck to watch Boys Planet 2 from now on … my husband (have I ever told you guys that my favorite male idol is Ong Seongwu?) is the MC ….. can’t even shop for new bias in peace because my ult is there ….. (also if you missed the comment on the last chapter, the person already deleted it. Well, more like they unpublished it. Thank you for your understanding, everyone)

I think a happy song suits this chapter more (I’m saving my sad songs playlist for next arc), so here’s my song recommendation for this chapter (this is actually one of my favorite videos in youtube, go give it a like)

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