46. Running On Fumes

「Katsumi」

Due the rain I came in a bit early. Also so I could make myself some tea before the shift starts. My shitty electric kettle decided to crap out on me. Betrayed by my own appliances, typical.

Eating with Kaori was a shitshow, best not to think about it. Nope. I'm not gonna fix what pretty boy broke. It'd be pointless anyway, with my whole plan and stuff.

Hopefully she leaves me alone for another half a year.

Sitting in the break room, I aimlessly scroll through my feed. Pretty girls presenting their latest outfits and fashion hauls interspersed with fan edits of A-rank hunters kicking ass and posing for interviews.

Yes, I’m the most basic person in existence. Bite me!

I put the steaming cup to my lips.

Eww!

This 'tea' I got from the traditional pharmacist is like the vilest thing man ever created!

Let’s hope it actually helps and isn’t just torture for torture's sake. It’s supposed to alleviate the exhaustion from losing blood and bring my body back into balance. We’ll see if it manages to do anything beyond souring my mood.

The pharmacist also was like, super adamant that I don’t drink or eat anything cold. He was going on and on about it, 'Young miss you must not…'

Like no man, I’m not going to abandon the heavenly delight that is ice cream because a demon nibbled on my arm, even if it’s only for a couple of days.

I don’t even feel that exhausted, just a bit tired. Which isn’t news exactly.

That pharmacist was super annoying, being like, 'Young miss in the future…'

What do you mean 'in the future' ?

I’m not planning on letting any more demons stick their claws or fangs or pincers into me! No thank you!

Also people keep mistaking me for a girl when I go out, like what the fuck?

No make-up, no skirt, no anything, but they don’t care.

What form of unsanctioned girl-training is this!?

Maybe I should just cut my hair short again so they'd stop?

Get this odd fluttering in my chest when it happens, but also it totally puts me on the spot and I never know how to respond. I’m like too embarrassed usually to correct them. It always feels rotten afterwards.

Also it’s going to get me into trouble eventually and not just awkward situations, that’s a given. Better to avoid that.

I take another sip of the medicine.

Why does it have to be so disgusting?

( ￣︿￣ )

Just gotta remember: I’m doing this so I can get back to hunting asap!

Hikari’s greeting comes from behind and before I'm able to turn around she passes me. A sympathetic chuckle emanates from her.

“Know that smell, terrible stuff, grandma always made me drink it. If you need painkillers just holler.”

She stops in her tracks as if catching herself and looks at me in utter confusion.

“Nuh, it’s mild.” I reply taking another awful sip.

Like, it only hurts a little. My arm mostly feels strangely sore. But I got a sick ass scar out of it. Not ideal for future girl-me but I like it, makes even someone with my pretty boy build vaguely threatening. If you could see it, that is, but it’s covered up by my sleeves

I notice Hikari hasn’t moved, she's staring at me with her mouth slightly open.

σ(￣、￣〃)

I’m missing something aren’t I?

Something major.

What is going on, why is she looking at me like that?

Now her brow furrows as if I made a mistake.

What did I do?

What is happening?

Her eyes burrow deep into me with expectation.

“What are you doing?” comes Mr. Kataoka’s voice from the side.

Hikari jolts, “Nothin’ just girl talk—I mean talking about girls, not anything else.”

What’s with Hikari? Why is she so nervous all of a sudden and acts as if we were caught doing something wrong?

Why do a get the feeling she is trying to cover for me?

I’m so lost.

“Hm. Okay. Here.”

He drops a plastic package on the table and leaves to talk to the night shift super who is on his way out.

I eye the bag with suspicion.

“What’s that?”

“New uniforms. They came in while you were away.” Hikari explains.

I open it to inspect them.

“They look the same.”

“Different supplier. Also see; slightly different green.”

“Oh, that’s important.”

“Very,” she mocks.

I put them in my bag for now.

Wait.

I never told Hikari about getting my arm mangled by a centipede demon, how would she know to offer me painkillers? Do I look that miserable? Because I don’t feel like it.

Work passes in a blur, even if I have to say that Hikari behaves unusually today, as if some dam has broken. She stays close again, almost doting. It’s odd.

After our shift, she hovers, and in a manner that is way too casual to not be more meaningful than she typically likes to let on, she asks if I want to walk her home.

It’s easy to take her up on it.

The little incident with the unplanned crossdressing reveal seems forgotten. Maybe she doesn’t mind, same as Yukio.

I mean she teased me with the whole 'beautiful girl' bullshit but it appears to not have been malicious. Just poking me a bit for my silly embarrassing hobby. If it were so simple.

I’m not going to explain the concept of girl-training to her. I know better.

I hope Hikari will come to like girl-me and won’t miss this failed loser that is my male self.

We eschew the subway and bus for a simple stroll through less frequented side streets. The temperature is perfect with the rain having stopped.

Hikari’s steps are full of glee, so carefree it’s infectious.

We babble about much, tho it’s mainly Hikari who talks. I try to listen best I can.

We forget the world, walking side by side, her smile so close.♡⋆

Finally she starts peppering me with questions and I oblige.

“No, that isn’t the largest one," I say. "The largest one would be Parapuzosia Seppenradensis. The largest fossil we have of it is like, almost two meters in diameter. And they lived a bit earlier, during the late Cretaceous Epoch. Lower Campanian Epoch to be precise.”

“And you know all that off the top of your head?”

I watch her delicate fingers trace through the tussle of pink hidden beneath her curtain of black hair. What a captivating sight. ₊˚⊹♡₊ My eyes linger a bit too long.

“I mean those are just some basic facts.”

She snorts a chuckle. It’s such a cute sound.

“Sure, sure. Anyone〜 could have told me that,” she teases. “Tell me, what did you study again?”

I try to remember pretty boy's major.

“Not that. I’m allowed to know stuff outside my field. Also, it wasn’t for me anyway.”

“Like college in general or whatever your mystery field was?”

“Both I guess.”

She looks pensive. Something heavy lets her shoulders drop.

I dawns on me how much we were apart these past weeks despite being constantly in the same space at work.

Looking off into the distance she says, “I think I wanna go back. To college. At the end of summer. Made up my mind.”

“Why did you stop?”

"Needed to make like a point, that I’m not a trophy.”

I give her a questioning look.

“I needed to show my father that if he pushed too hard, that I could like, totes defy him indefinitely. He wants perfection—total hell. You know the type? Forever disappointed. I made my point and now he hates me more than ever, but you know what? Now I’m free. Not that I’m not going back to mooching off dear old dad, but needed to show him that he so has no leverage.”

“Hmm.”

“Your old man, he's a rough one too right?”

“Yeah…”

“You can like, talk to me Katsumi, I’m not judging. Wouldn’t even know how.” She grins brightly, “You don’t need to hide, not with me.”

Her open and honest expression, it almost physically hurts to look at.

It’s like with Kaori, isn’t it? Hikari noticed.

I mean she has been already kinda treating me as an honorary girl not dissimilar to the gang. I guess it was subconscious but isn’t any longer.

I wasn't able to tell Kaori, but Hikari isn’t the scary ice queen of my warrior clan family, who pretty boy successfully antagonized.

She's none of that, maybe I should tell her.

About my plan with the restricted hunters gear, of pretending to have falling victim to the weird sex-change demon, of changing my family name, of fucking-off to some distant town where no-one knows me, of making the best of this undeserved second chance.

Maybe she’ll understand.

She seems open minded with things of that nature, didn't even make a big deal about my crossdressing. She's okay with my friends being girls who are into girls, even said it was awsome. So she should be okay with someone like me too, right?

Ugh, it's just so scary and embarrassing. It's like in my old life, when the girls joked that I should crossdress because of my timid nature. I almost said yes, but that was too embarrassing to say.I would've looked stupid anyway. I didn't have a build like pretty boy back then.

“So I… uh…” fuck, how do I even explain this?

That I can’t stand being a guy? That I’m super bad at it and things would work better if I were a girl? That I don’t even get why someone would want to be man, because it sucks big time?

My stride comes to a stop.

I’m actually panicking. Hikari’s compassionate gaze rests on me. Why couldn't I have been born a girl or reincarnated as one? Then this…

“So… I…”

Hikari’s eyes go wide.

She looks past me, pale as a ghost.

“Demon.”

■ ■ ■

「Hikari」

“ Demon. ”

…

'We should’ve checked the app' is my only thought as I fall. I tumble. Katsumi pushed me. Too clumsy. Should’ve looked… should’ve done anything but freeze.

This is totes my fault.

Before I can register it, there's a sword with a glowing blade in her hand.

For a moment the dazzling light is enough to distract me from the terrifying twisted beast, with its glowing red eyes, its strange mask-like head, a maw filled with curling oni teeth. A thing of death.

It’s an ink tiger. The stripes of its body aren’t fixed, they seem to sway like ribbons of a festival float in the wind.

It lunges.

With a move that shows no hesitation, Katsumi brings her blade up and catches the extended claws of the tiger mid pounce. The sheer force of the attack pushes her back, but in an elegant flowing motion that send her hairband flying, she somehow negates it.

She glances at me in this split second.

A curtain flowing hair, dark eyes full of determination and the light revealing a face of stunning beauty. My protector. This odd girl who lives as a man, so strikingly gorgeous it robs your breath.

The demon hits the ground and with an awful scraping sound it stops its own drift across the asphalt. We are trapped between residential buildings on a street barely broad enough to fit a single kei car.

I stare at the odd tiger.

This thing is so going to kill us!

It’s too close to run away.

There's no escape.

It’s nothing but deadly claws and teeth.

Instinct has me press myself against the concrete wall.

Katsumi displays no fear, having placed herself between me and the demon, both her hands gripping her sword tight.

In a low stride, the tiger begins to circle us.

Suddenly it ducks low for another pounce, but in a quick motion Katsumi steps out. Her blade goes for the tigers head. It abandons its strike to evade, but lashes out with its claws in the same motion.

It’s going to hit Katsumi!

The high clang of metal.

Too fast to perceive, my girl parries the demon’s deadly instruments, sidesteps the beast, forcing it to follow her before she fully reaches its flank.

With the wall right behind her, Katsumi feints right, steps left—almost too fast to follow—swipes her sword in the opposite direction, clipping the tigers side.

Nothing deep, but the demon visibly winces.

She's a flowing blur, the two quick swipes of the tiger hitting nothing but air, letting her exploit the opening for a quick jab into the demon’s right shoulder.

A spray of black inky blood as she removes the blade.

That must have hurt.

The demon falters, but finds a surge of strength and lunges at Katsumi. With little room to move, even with her effortless steps, it’s too late.

Another metallic clang tells me she block at least the claws, but I can’t see her!

The fucking demon pushed her to the ground.

NO PLEASE DON’T!

I…

This isn’t happening!

The ink tiger snarls. Its head wildly tosses back and forth.

I see Katsumi’s legs kicking.

I have to do something!

A sudden yelp has the tiger buckle, its front right leg giving way.

The bright rainbow glow reaches out and I catch Katsumi driving the blade all the way  to the guard into the tigers side, with her still lying on the ground.

Taking the split second opportunity to escape she rolls away and jumps back on her feet, putting a few meters between her and the demon.

The beast heaves itself back onto all fours in turn.

Katsumi dismisses her sword.

Is it over?

This seems dangerous.

I watch in terror as the tiger takes steps in her direction.

One monstrous paw in front of the other.

The slow gait of a predator ready to kill.

It halts.

It’s going to pounce!

Katsumi stares the tiger down.

It… its legs give way.

A weird wheezing sound escapes the beast. There is a long thick trail of black ink behind it.

Out of nowhere, the demon catches fire, the flame looks… not right, unnatural. It consumes the whole thing, leaving a small pile of ash and something that appears to be a rough obsidian stone as big as a fist.

I look to Katsumi, panting heavily but unharmed.

She is incredible. ♡‧₊˚

What an unbelievable girl!

How am I so lucky to have such a person just randomly show up in my konbini one day?

Not only a kindhearted beauty, but a girl that banishes an ink tiger on her own, like that!

Without her I would’ve ended up as a tiger snack for sure. Like, in the belly of that thing!

She looks at me.

“You okay?”

I know I’m like, totes stunned and stuff, but wow!

“You’re so awesome…”

Katsumi reaches out and pulls me up.

With her bangs hanging into her face flush by the excitement, she looks lost.

Oh fuck this shit!

I cup her cheeks and kiss her.

Slowly.

Softly.

Sweetly.

Her cheeks are so soft, same as her lips and her reaction is so cute, so timid, yet inviting. She's eager.

I pull back for air and am struck again by her beauty.

Hu?

What’s with that odd expression?

Katsumi turns away and shakes her head.

What’s wrong with her?

She moves away.

I reach out, “Don’t say you don’t want this. You totally do.”

“Not—not like this.” Her eyes are pressed shut and she goes rigid.

“Hey, it’s okay...”

“No it’s not! Not like this! This is all wrong! I’m wrong…” She's crying, her tears fly as she shakes, “I’m wrong, I’m wrong, I’m wrong…”

“Katsu…”

“NO! This is all wrong. We… I… that’s not how it… please, please stay away.” She retreats further, “We have to stay apart. I’m sorry. Don’t ever come near me again!”

Katsumi turns her back, and runs.

■ ■ ■

「Katsumi」

My fingers brush over my lips, my legs protest and my eyes sting.

Everything is wrong.

I’m wrong.

I don’t want to be like this.

I don’t want this.

It’s all so unfair.

I’m wrong.

She kissed me…

I force myself to summon my sword.

Nothing.

Why won’t it work!?

What’s going on?

This… NO! No, no, no. I’ve been able to now for months.

With the demon right in front of me, it just flickered out.

Hikari could’ve died, I could’ve died.

My mana, gone.

I run.

This can’t be!

I can’t.

I run.

People look at me.

They stare.

I run past them down the road.

I run… until the muscles in my legs are filled with battery acid.

Then I run some more.

I don’t stop.

Not before my home is in sight.

In the safety of my place I collapse, balled up, lying on my futon.

Time passes, how much I don’t know.

The guy Hikari kissed isn’t going to stay around. I can’t stand being him. I’m going to break her heart by destroying him, same as I’m going to do to my new family.

If I could stay a guy I would, I totally would, but I can’t. I’m too bad at it, and I hate it, and I can’t—not when there is a way out this time.

But what was that with my weapon?

It feels like I’ve regressed all the way back to when I started. I can’t reach my goal of becoming A-rank like this, and that can’t happen.

Was this because of the blood loss thing, is like, your mana linked to your blood?

I’d ask online, but that stupid forum is such a cesspool it feels like the boy’s locker room from school. All boisterous idiocy. I’m sure they’d kick each other in the nuts if they could. Wait no, they’re doing that, but via getting each other in danger with stupid demon-hunting strategies.

I open the gang group chat. I need some clarity.

I tell them about the ink tiger ambush, leaving out the Hikari part.

Best not to think about that for the moment.

A string of questions like 'am I’m okay' and other such things fly past.

Not what I want.

They want to come over!

I’m super not entertaining guest right now!

I double down on my weird sudden inability to maintain my weapon and Chie doesn’t ignore it this time.

---

Chie: i have a theory

Chie: were you dressed masc?

Katsumi: ???

Mayumi: shes asking if you were dressed as a boy

Katsumi: yes? im not randomly crossdressing???

Chie: if ur unprecedented mana recovery rate is linked as I assume to your gender euphoria then it stands to reason the inverse is true for dysphoria

Katsumi: ?????????

Mayumi: feeling like a pretty girl is giving you mana like ya got that shit plugged into a fast charger

Mayumi: and pretending to be a boy makes ya feel like shit and makes your mana like a baloon with a hole in it

Katsumi: thats stupid

Chie: its a theory

Katsumi: ur telling me i recover mana faster than others but only if i crossdress?

Chie: more or less

Katsumi: and i lose it faster than normal if i dress normal?

Chie: yeah. seems to be the case. it makes sense doesnt it?

Katsumi: its stupid.

Hotaru: pls just rest. there is no need to dwell on it. its probably the exhaustion. if it persists then you can come to me and we'll figure out whats wrong

Hotaru: I promise.

---

I stare at my phone.

Nothing’s like it’s supposed to be.

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